Texting Terrors

With the wonderful world of technology, comes phones that think they know everything and Auto Correct.  Sigh.  It honestly does produce some good laughs.  Like this conversation I had with my husband yesterday.

ME:  have you seen Austin's Jew Harley?

Hubs:  aaand what is a Jew Harley?  are you prejudice?

ME:  nooo i meant knew Harley.

Hubs:  umm love, have you been drinking?

ME:  no!  i just woke up.

Hubs:  that doesn't mean anything.

ME:  ye of little faith.  i'll just talk to you when you get home.  putting my phone in timeout for making me look like a loser.

Yeah.  That totally happened.  And if you haven't seen some of these epic fails, check out a few of my favorites from Damn You Auto Correct!.

Have a happy weekend everyone!!!!!

Heavy Hearts

I wasn't going to put this out on my blog, but it's part of my journey. 

Yesterday, I got news that my hometown had lost a great guy.  Everyone knew him, loved him, and loved hanging out with him.  He was such an amazing gift to the world, and it is so hard to try and fathom the thought of him being gone.  My heart is heavy for his family.  My thoughts and prayers go out to them. You will be greatly missed buddy!

I'm going to try and pull myself together and enjoy my son.  Life is precious and I need to just BE today.  I will be back within the next couple of days.  I have so much I want to share.  But, my heart isn't in it today. 

I hope everyone has a FABULOUS Valentine's Day.  Take time to really be present and share it with your loved ones today!  ♥

If it was going to go wrong...

it did!

{Writing this on Tuesday night (while coloring my hair) to post on Wednesday morning, so I can sleep in.. what a day!}

Today was supposed to be my AWESOME day of freedom, that I have once a week.  I take Dylan to the sitter and go about my business, child-free!  Everything started out great... I woke up early, had my coffee, played computer games, checked my e-mail, and got dressed just in time for Dyl to wake up.  Phew!

Fast forward to 8:30...

Upon checking the weather, the temperature was currently -7, with a high of -2... BOOO!  So, I went to start the Jeep and get it nice and toasty.  I put our bags in the car on the passenger side and reached over to put the key in the ignition to turn it on.  Didn't start.  I thought, "Hey, you're a smart little lady you sweet Jeep you.  I bet I have to be sitting on the driver's seat to start it."  (You know weight sensitivity and all that safety stuff..)  So, I tried it again from my commander's chair.  Uh yeah, no go.  I run inside to message the husband, who is in Iraq, so I don't know why I thought it would help.  He said jump(start) it.  I said, GOT IT!  I try again.  No go.  Lucky for me, my neighbor came to put her trash out and I asked for her help.  She gets in her truck and pulls it down the drive and runs over her trash can.  OK.. I should've ran right then.  Nope, I'm a stubborn chick with an agenda!  Eventually, we did get the Jeep started!!!  There were numerous times I accidentally touched the ends together and sparks shot out everywhere.  I should've been set on fire then.

Dylan is now off to the sitter.  I have a fabulous day getting groceries (alone), getting Dylan some much needed larger clothes (alone), and sitting in quiet (alone).

After picking up Dylan from the sitter, I come home and start making potato soup for dinner.  Then, I pull the tags off Dylan's clothes, and start the wash.  We're eating dinner, like a happy little family (we miss you D!!), and I hear water SPLASHING all over my floor.  Apparently, the pipes that drain the water from the washer were frozen.  Thank goodness I was smart enough to shut off the washer!  FOUR GIANT beach towels and FOUR bath towels later, I feel confident in my mopping skills.  I even pulled out the dryer to get behind the set and towel up what I could.  When I was behind the dryer, I kept feeling freeeeeezing cold air down my rear crack.  At first I giggled (because it TICKLED OK!?).  But then, it was really cold.  I figured it was because the laundry set is on the outside wall by the uninsulated garage.  I get the dryer pushed back into place and then throw in the moist towels from the mop-up. 

I'm back enjoying my fabulous potato soup and rolls with Dyl.  Not five minutes later, our smoke alarms start SCREAAAAMING!!  I panic!!  Run and turn off the fire place!  Turn off the space heater upstairs!!! Fan out any candles burning!!  Dyl is screaming, "MOM FIIIIX IT NOOOOOW!"  This adds to my panic, and I run to the garage to see if that happened to be on fire.  I don't know why, but better safe than sorry.  Nothing that can set fire is on.  I don't smell smoke anywhere.  What the heck is going on?  I look at the windows and they are fogged over.  Hmm.. I turn back to the dryer to see if that was on fire.  Nope, I just forgot to hook up the exhaust again.  No wonder it was so warm and moist for those 5 minutes.  I stop the dryer, and open the back door to the now -8 degree weather.  Buh-bye warmth and moisture! Wow.  I should've taken the cold air tickles a different way.

THEN, while cleaning up the dishes from dinner, the sink pipes have clogged.  I hadn't put anything down the disposal.  I reach my hand down there.. Nothing.. as usual.  So, I turn on the disposal with cool water.  That clears that up.  Then, I smell the disposal start to overheat.  I quickly shut it off and walk away.  I'm not taking on that jerk tonight too.

I am convinced this would not happen if the husband were here.  But, in those situations, I tend to blame him anyways! ;)

SHAMALAMADINGDONG HOLY CRAP!!!  My head is burning!!!!!!!!!

27 minutes later...

Wow, I can't believe I typed all that out instead of just going to rinse is all off. 

All of a sudden, I am reminded of this post and my very first post.  Do these things happen to anyone else?  Is it seriously just me? 

Let's just call it a night!  I can't top that one. 

Sparkling Wine Wednesdaaaaay!

OK, OK, it's only Sparkling Grape Juice.  As a kid at church we overheard somewhere that the Catholics got wine and we just had grape juice.  So, my brothers and I pretended it was wine so we could be 'Catholic Cool'. 

One day, not too long after we started calling grape juice wine, my mother took my brothers and I to the grocery store.  One of us happened to tell an adult that our mom let us drink wine.  She mumbled something along the lines of "IT'S NOT WIIIIIIINE! Stop calling juice that."

We disagreed and set in our ways.  She said she would let us have the "special grape juice" and could only call it wine at home when we were PRETENDING.  And it stuck.  I always forget there is alcoholic, sparkling wine.  Which I did not consume on this night.  Plus, Sparkling Wine Wednesday makes a better title than Sparkling Grape Juice Wednesday.

I only wish I drank wine during the day.  I don't have an excuse to, even though the kids in jr. high would always tease me because my initials were A.A.  I got teased a LOT, and it wasn't just the initial thing.... I lost track of where this was going.  Good thing I don't drink during the day.  Wow... Let's start again...

WINE WEDNESDAAAAAAAAAAAY! 

OMGrapes............

All the photos I took for this post are gone.

I swear to you it was only sparkling grape juice..  Seee?

PS. I didn't edit this photo otherwise my zit and day-old makeup would look so much better... and the wine would be REAL... agh at me.

In case you didn't know, REAL wine doesn't foam your goblet. Obviously, it just foams over my brain.  Oh well.. down my throat it goes anyways.

Note to self: You get a bottle of wine to drink on Thursday while watching Grey's and Private Practice.  =0)  All better.

OHHH and check out the background behind me?  See the thrift store goodness I found?  You'll have to check back to see what's going to happen with it all!! Super excited!

Not Even a Moustache Makes Me Happy

Yes, this is what I look like in the morning.  Sexy, huh?  Psh! 

Yesterday, I was so excited to have an interview with a potential babysitter, I totally forgot the million posts I had wanted to write up.  But, I will tell you how the sitter 'view went down.

My hopes before the interview: 1) Miss S. lives in a location that would be perfect for me to hop onto the I-25 and get to work.  Also, it's on the way to the husband's job.  Great Convenient location for both parents!  2) Miss S. was willing to work with me on the hours I needed (which was rarely), until I found a full-time job.  3) Miss S. had only a handful of kids she currently cares for, which mean Dylan would have the attention he needs and still friends to play with.

What I really saw... DOM DOM DOM!!!!!! (It's hard to type sound effects... FYI!)

1) Driving to Miss S.'s house, it was in an OK neighborhood.  This may sound superficial, but they had nice vehicles out front.  I took this as a sign they take care of their property and manage themselves in a great manner. 

Dyl and I got out of the car and walked to the door and rang the bell.  I should've known once she opened the door to just run!  There was an OVERWHELMING smell of cats (which I'm allergic to), animal/kid/something urine.  Miss S. took us to her basement/daycare area.  Which had toys everywhere (understandable in daycare setting), vacuum cleaner left out, stains on everything, sticky activity table, couch 1.5 feet away from a TV.  She left the TV blasting during our interview and offered me a child-size chair to sit on.  I sat down and was sitting in something sticky.  Brilliant.  She decided to sit on the floor and cross her legs like one of the children she watches.  Hmmm...

Well, we talked.  I asked questions.  She talked....

and Talked...

AND TALKED...

She asked Dylan if he liked to eat candy, popcorn, chocolate, and poop. 

I'll let you sit with this for awhile...

She told me she let the kids watch Nickelodeon (I assumed all day because no other activities were described).  When Miss Judy (you know the Judge) came on, she pops the kids on her laps and makes them watch it with her.  She said it teaches them to not be naughty so they don't have to go in front of a judge to be yelled at when they grow up.  (I mentally slapped my forehead after this one and I'm sure my eyes were freakishly large in shock and horror.)

Miss S. said something about trying to set up Dylan with another little girl she cares for because "they'd make such a cute couple!"

She told me she liked to take her kids on "dates", as in out to eat, shopping together... whatever.. PLEASE don't take my kid on a date with you!  That's not what I'm paying you for, and it sounds kind of creepy.  Teach him things, play with him.. you know care for him.. as in CHILD CARE.

Oh my, I didn't even describe my first impression of the person who is wanting me to pay her.  This is what Miss S. was wearing to give me a good impression of herself...
Long sleeved, over sized shirt (with stains), sweat pants that were over sized, messy hair in a ponytail, no bra, no makeup... What an awesome first impression.

Now me, I think I was in such shock because A) I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt (as in, maybe she could pull herself together and this isn't normal)  B) I'm desperate to find Dylan a sitter so I can have time for me to do EVERYTHING/ANYTHING C)  I really want a job or to be paid for what I love doing and I need someone to take Dylan, so I can do that...

Well, I had mouth vomit... I said I would call her in the next few days to schedule a time for her to watch Dylan.. At some point in the conversation, I had asked if her daycare needed toys and I would be happy to bring over some of Dylan's extras... I'M SO DISAPPOINTED IN MY MOUTH FILTER!!!!

I now have to break up with a babysitter because I'm an idiot. 

Now, I get to stress ALLLLLL weekend about finding someone suitable for Dylan. 

BUT, I have learned a lesson.  I need to keep in the back of my head, that any childcare provider is basically considered my employee.  This person(s) work for me.  So, if the situation isn't something I'm happy or comfortable with, it just won't work.  Thanks for another life lesson universe... GJBH:UG:SDUG

Life LesSON no. 795

So, here at Casa de Crenshaw, we ran out of juice.  *Imagine my three-year-old's world collapsing around him.  The sun is setting permanently, with no hope for a bright outcome.*  My husband has an obsession with the neon colored drinks that are derived from powdered envelopes... You know what I'm talking about... right? (Hint: OH YEAAAAAAH!)  Of course, we had a few thousand envelopes in the pantry.  I made a GIANT 4 gallon pitcher of the tropical punch variety, as if my ONE child would consume as much as a little league team.  Anywho, the son was satisfied and I went back to.... (I don't know what I typically do on a normal basis.  Just a bunch of tomfoolery usually or watching totally awesome videos like this.)

Fast forward to the next night.  I smell something UNGODLY coming from the pint-sized version of my hubster.  I follow my nose to his pants and it hit me with a "WAAAAABAAAAAAAM!" and other Ka-powies, you know the awesome graphics from the classic Batman show. 

I lay the kiddo down and let's just say he deuced a red pile of $&!+.  Dyl(an) kept saying, "It hurts!"  And I was honestly trying to keep my eyes shut and nose covered so the smell wouldn't burn anything important on my face.  I finally looked once his bottom was cleaned and there it was... The OH YEAH juice  crap liquid I was giving him over the last day and a half has stained his derriere.  Sigh. 

One of those weekends.

Saturday morning, I thought I would be brilliant and clean the house.  I heaved all my cleaning supplies up the stairs.  I commenced the cleaning process and then my brain started throwing a temper tantrum, much like my two-year-old.  Boring, BORING!  I reasoned with myself, saying "You know Ash, it would be so nice to just freshen everything up."  So, I did.  My upstairs felt fresh and clean.  Then, I walked down the stairs to find my two-year-old dumping his RED Bug Juice all over my TAN ottoman. 

ALGHAPIRHASLSJNOADRUG !^%(@#$*

That all got cleaned up just in time to go to the store and pick up last minute food for a BBQ.  I had 3 items and the express lanes were jam packed.  I thought I would be smart and get behind this lady who had a LOAD of groceries, but the speed of the line looked promising.  NOPE!  Hold on Ash, it can't work out for you today.  This lady and her daughter (of adult age) were trying to pay for $200 worth of groceries with a debit card that was linked to an account with negetive balance.  The lady wouldn't cover her daughter's expense, so the whole cart had to be packed up and taken to Customer Service.  Total time waiting in line with impatient 2-year-old: 45 minutes. 

ALGHAPIRHASLSJNOADRUG !^%(@#$*

Flash forward to the end of the night.  We left the BBQ at 10:30 pm.  Way past Dylan's bed time, but he was having so much fun playing with the guys and the dogs.  It's the simple things in life.  I knew he would be worn out and my crazy day could come to an end. 

Right as I hit my REM cycle (3:47 AM), I hear WAILING SIRENS.  "NOOOOOO!"  I knew they were my fire alarms.  

ALGHAPIRHASLSJNOADRUG !^%(@#$* 

I get up and run into Dylan's room.  He starts screaming because it happens to be his alarm that has set off a chain of WAILING throughout my house.  I can't see because I went to bed with my contacts in my eyes, which create a sort of gluing effect between the eyeball and eyelids.  I can't reach the fire alarm because it's on the ceiling, and I'm not Shaq height.  What now!?

I run into my studio, I grab my office chair and roll it into Dylan's room.  I hear my neighbors coming out of their houses to see if all is well.  I hear them yelling and laughing and feel them pointing as I'm on a rotating chair trying to dismember this fire alarm (which happens to be hard-wired into our security system, so I couldn't just take out the battery).  Once, I come to focus a little more, I realize that I was in my regular jammy gear.  Then I realized I was IN MY REGULAR JAMMY WEAR!  Crap!  No wonder the neighbors were laughing.  I must have looked like the queen idiot.  Here's the detailed picture.

Fire alarms going off in the house (all the windows are open because it's Colorado).  Child screaming over the fire alarms.  Panicky mother on a rotating chair spinning out-of-control, in circles trying to remove a fire alarm from the ceiling, in which she's wearing a t-shirt and a thong.  Brilliant.  Not only do I look like an ass, but mine's hanging out. 

ALGHAPIRHASLSJNOADRUG !^%(@#$*

That was my wonderful Saturday night.

♥ Ashley

One Dedicated (Ice Cream) Man.. for lack of nicer words

I walked outside today to get a fresh breath of air and relax becase Dylan had pricked my last nerve.  Not one second after I sat on the front step and actually took a 'calm, cleansing' breathe, I hear La Cucaracha, the Ice Cream Truck remix.

It's November 12!!!  I thought these guys retired after Labor Day.  Isn't that a rule?  Does someone have that in writing?  I've heard this same song every day at 3:47, give or take a few minutes, for the last 112 days.  No joke.  I guess it's funny after I complain about it. 

Mark Your Calendars!!!

HOLY HAPPY DAY!!  Randomly, I went to http://www.hulu.com/ to check for new movies coming out and look what I found!!!



Walt Disney and Tim Burton!?  That was my first reaction, but I shouldn't have thought for one minute this wouldn't be amazing.  Johnny Depp is the Mad Hatter.  First, he was creepy as Willy Wonka, so I know he's going to give the little children a few complexes with this one.  Second, I love that this movie is coming to life.  To actually be able to see Wonderland through Tim Burton's eyes is going to be fabulous.  I am beside myself and cannot wait until March 5, 2010.  It's going to be a long winter.  haha

And on a side note, check out Tim Burton's website.  I'm a Tim Burton lover.  He's brilliant.

Little Did I Know

that Rice-A-Roni, when placed in the microwave, sets on fire. Being a good little cook, I followed directions (are they really hard to follow anyways, come on). I have cooked this rice in the microwave a million times before, being a college student with little/no income. I know this whole microwave-ing thing should be easy and will produce the same outcome each time. Correct?

Well, mama bear was taking care of baby bear while the Roni was doing it's cooking in the oven and KA-BAM! The smoke alarms go off. I run up to the kitchen to make sure the microwave itself was not on fire. Nothing there. I tramp up to the top floor and open the windows to air out the smoke. I run back down to the kitchen, while baby bear is in the basement (banging on the baby gate), angry that he wasn't invited on this escapade.

I get smart and use oven mits to remove the Pyrex bowl filled with ash of Roni, from the microwave. Then, proceed to put the bowl in the kitchen sink. The bottom falls out of the bowl. Ash of Roni all over the counter and floors that I spent hours cleaning yesterday.

As I type, the house still smells like a combination of burned cheese and hair, possibly some other foreign smell. This is ungodly. After spending eight hours cleaning the whole house, it now smells blagh.

The moral of the story? Don't trust rice in the microwave. Or, don't clean your house. I like the second option better.